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Trevor Noah Can’t Believe Biden Has a Venmo Account

“‘60 Minutes’ did a story last night in which they interviewed some very credible former Pentagon and military officials who had video and eyewitness accounts of objects that fly 13,000 miles per hour, drop 80,000 feet in less than a second, and go underwater. The government calls them ‘unidentified aerial phenomena.’ U.A.P., which, just like the Cardi B song.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“And they’ve known about this for a couple of years, but waited until now to talk about it because I guess, a couple of years ago, they would have been too embarrassed if the aliens said, ‘Take us to your leader.’ They’d be like, ‘Eh, not a great idea.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“OK, hold up: The Navy has had U.F.O. sightings every day for two years? Two years these aliens have been popping in and out, popping in but not doing anything? Those are the most passive aggressive alien invasion ever.” — TREVOR NOAH

“Oh, and by the way, if any of your aliens have been watching us recently, you do realize this is not how we normally roll, right? I want to clarify a few things for you, aliens: Humans don’t usually wear masks, OK? We don’t usually just talk to each other over the computer, and we don’t usually scratch our butts and then sniff it to make sure that it smells like butt. [lowering his voice] I know that we actually do that, but I don’t want us to look bad to aliens.” — TREVOR NOAH

Pink played a game of “Misname That Song” with Jimmy Fallon on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”

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