Should I Tell a Facebook Friend I Had an Affair With Her Partner?

Then I discovered I have known his girlfriend all along — we are Facebook friends! We have never met, but we’re connected by mutual friends and shared interests. We have often commented on each other’s posts, and she seems like a lovely person.

She recently messaged me to tell me she is planning to visit my town and wants to meet me in person. I am so tempted to accept. A part of me would love to tell her that her boyfriend is unfaithful; in fact, he has already moved on to a new girlfriend in my town.

What should I do? Name Withheld

Two things are going on here. On the one hand, you want to punish your ex for the way he treated you. That’s not a noble motive, and it wouldn’t be sufficient reason if that was all there were to it. But there’s the other thing: He’s deceiving his long-term girlfriend, and she is someone you’re friendly with (digitally, yes, but still).

The word “wrong” can be an adjective, a noun and a verb. Which sometimes leads to confusion. Cheating on his girlfriend was, we can agree, wrong of him, but it wasn’t just a free-floating wrong, like failing to vote. He was wronging a particular person, who has a right to decide whether she wants to continue a relationship with someone who’s betraying her.

Is it your business? Yes, for two reasons. First, he betrayed her with you. Second, she has a relationship with you. So you’d be minding your own business if you told her. In fact, I don’t see that there’s a neutral position that you can default to. The woman has sought you out. By holding back on her, or dodging her, you would be helping to cover up her boyfriend’s misdeeds.

But don’t expect her to be grateful to you. While you didn’t know the situation between them when your relationship began, you carried on with it after you did know. She may well choose to stay with him, even after she learns what he’s been up to. Or she may end up without a boyfriend whose company she enjoyed and who, though disloyal, genuinely cared for her, as she did for him. Still, these are issues for her to handle, not you. You’re simply providing her with information she needs to manage her life — information you are in a position to provide and that you have no reason to continue to conceal.

The word ‘wrong’ can be an adjective, a noun and a verb. Which sometimes leads to confusion.