YOU can skip your morning coffee today, because Stormy Daniels’ account of her alleged affair with the President will keep you awake and traumatised for the next three days.
The adult film actress, who claims she had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006, has written about the alleged encounter in her upcoming tell-all memoir, Full Disclosure.
The book, which was obtained by The Guardian, narrates the 39-year-old’s first experiences as a stripper while she was in high school, breaking into the porn industry, and how her profile took off from there.
It also delves into her alleged affair with Mr Trump, her mounting disbelief when he began to win primary contests in 2016, and how she’d been threatened not to tell her story.
Daniels has long claimed she had sex with Mr Trump in his hotel room after they met at a charity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe.
Describing the first time she saw him, she said: “He had a red cap, a Trump crest as a placeholder for the MAGA slogan not one of us could see coming.”
She said Mr Trump’s bodyguard invited Daniels to dinner, which was really just an invitation to his penthouse.
Daniels also included some rather … unflinching descriptions of his penis. I would hold your hands to guide you through, but I intend on burning mine off immediately after publishing this story.
Mr Trump’s penis was described as “unusual” and “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small”, and she bizarrely compared his manhood to a Mario Kart character.
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
Just for reference, this is the “mushroom character” the adult star was referring to:
The Mario Kart reference has resonated with people in the worst way possible, whose childhoods have no doubt been collectively ruined by the analogy:
Waiting for Trump to have a letter from 65 women saying his penis doesn’t look like the mushroom from Mario Kart.
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) September 18, 2018
Encyclopaedia Britannica decided to share the difference between toadstools and mushrooms for — er — no apparent reason:
Even Pornhub got in on the fun, making this not-so-innocuous suggestion on Twitter:
In another section of the book, Daniels writes of a moment in 2007 when she was with Mr Trump in a hotel room watching a Shark Week broadcast.
She claims he received a phone call from Hillary Clinton, who was then running against Barack Obama for the Democratic presidential nomination.
“Then, to make it crazier, Hillary Clinton called,” Daniels writes. “He had a whole conversation about the race, repeatedly mentioning ‘our plan’ …
“Even while he was on the phone with Hillary, his attention kept going back to the sharks.”
Ms Daniels allegedly received $US130,000 ($A177,000) from Mr Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen to prevent her from going public with allegations of the 2006 extramarital affair.
She stressed the sex was consensual and she never felt forced into it.
“Not once did I ever feel like I was in any sort of physical danger,” Daniels told Vogue in August. “I’m sure if I would’ve taken off running, he wouldn’t have given chase. And even if I had, there’s no way he could’ve caught me.”
“He’s even less likely to catch me now,” Daniels added.
She also opened up about the terrifying threats that left her and her lawyer, Michael Avenatti, scared for their lives.
Referring to herself as a “fugitive”, Daniels said the death threats, ominous packages and stalking has forced her to hire three full-time bodyguards.
“We’ve been in a couple of car chases,” she said.
“We’ve had people put notes under the door, which means they know what hotel I’m in, which means we’ve had to change hotels in the middle of the night.”
Two years ago, Daniels never would have guessed Mr Trump would have become President.
In the book, she describes her mounting disbelief watching him win the primary contests for the Republican presidential nomination.
“It will never happen, I would say,” Daniels writes. “He doesn’t even want to be president.”
Whenever she saw him on television for years after their affair, the same line would play through her head: “‘I had sex with that’, I’d say to myself. Eech.”
You know, there’s one more interesting point to be made about all this.
When more than a dozen women came forward and accused Mr Trump of sexual harassment and assault, his wife Melania Trump came to his defence.
“I believe my husband. I believe my husband,” she told CNN’s Anderson Cooper. She said her husband was the victim of lies put forward in a co-ordinated effort by a group of women.
“This was all organised from the opposition. And with the details … did they ever check the background of these women? They don’t have any facts.”
We may never know whether or not she was being genuine in that interview.
But if Daniels’ graphic account of the affair is true, Melania now has all the proof she needs.
Originally published as Stormy’s explosive Trump claims